The n00b

Defining 'Noob'
Contrary to the belief of many, a noob/n00b and a newbie/newb are not the same thing. Newbs are those who are new to some task and are very beginner at it, possibly a little overconfident about it, but they are usually willing to learn and correct their mistakes. n00bs know little and have no will to learn any more. They expect people to do the work for them and then expect to get praised about it, and make up a unique species of their own. It is the latter we will study in this guide so that the reader is prepared to encounter them in the wild if needed.
Noobs are often referred to as n00bs as a sign of disrespect, and it's often hellishly funny, but I will refer to them as noobs.

COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

I. N00bish

Often, but not always, noobs will attempt to communicate in their own primitive language, known as "n00bish." It is a variant of the hacker language that exposes them as having little intelligence or will to learn. Here is an example of some noobish. Do not attempt to comprehend it: it cannot be discerned without n00bish professionals at hand.
stFU /../..an, i r teh r0xx0rz liek emin3m, u cna go tO EHLL OR ATLE4St help m3 wit hthIS!!111!!!!!!!1~~1!!``!! LOLLOLOLLOLOLlOoLLOlollLLl u n00b

Shut up! I rock like Eminem, You can go to hell or at least help me with this! lol you n00b. *

While you may find this funny and/or annoying, it is best to keep from talking back to them, as noobs are very territorial and easily disturbed. This will result in their attempted verbal abuse of you, possibly backed up by other noobs, because they work in packs when doing offensive tasks. It is not an easy task to learn this language because your intelligence keeps it from reading quite right when typed. You can write some simple noobish of your own, however, by slamming your face into your keyboard repeatedly.

II. Where to find n00bs
n00bs make their colonies on internet forums and MMORPGs. They migrate in waves, usually on weekends, and proceed to clog up bandwidth with stupid questions and sometimes even stupid answers. If you happen to be unfortunate enough to be on a board large enough to attract migrating noobs, there will hopefully be authority in charge (THE BANNER HAMMER) who is smart enough to take extermination measures (Ban the n00bs) before they can proliferate and attract other noobs. Larger colonies can result in the mutation of some into pointless spammers. A noob can become a spammer at any time, but the larger the noob colony, the more chance that these abominations will pop up.

III. Behavior of noobs
Since noobs are pretty much ignorant retards, they have a lot in common with each other. The most telling characteristic of a noob is their fluency in n00bish (see above). They will also be very self confident as if they were the absolute best at what they are in fact the worst at. Also, they are quite aggressive and self-centered, and tend to laugh a lot using many L's and O's in rapid succession (the noobish word for laughing like an ultimate retard), followed by the abuse of the caps lock key.

It is a basic noob instinct to gather in packs for defense, which are often mistakenly labeled as “teams”. Unfortunately, “teams” usually result in a total loss of communication and they can often begin to fight amongst each other. These teams are quite unlike those formed by non-noobs.
An excellent way to identify a noob (bad) vs. a newb (good) is to tell them which rule (usually forum spamming) they are breaking. If they get back with with an apology and fix it, they are probably a newb. If they react by tearing you apart in a flurry of n00bish, they are definitely a noob, and should be reported to the forum admin (banner hammer) for them to get rid of.

noobs will often populate their spammy comments with racist, inappropriate dialogue, often written in n00bish. They will often sign up for a forum/game account merely to spam the hell out of the respectable members of the forum/chatroom/game.

V. More about noob habitats
Noobs often attempt to maintain their own web pages or weblogs. Some common features of these caves are a terrible lack of content, background music, lots of pointless animated gifs, and pages that say some variation of “tHEir isnothinG H34r yEtt LOLLOLOL!111!1!!~~~!!`! 13371337”. (Nothing hear yet!*)

They will also have large, seemingly infinite marquees of 88 X 31 buttons replaced with red X's scattered here and there, and quite possibly a hit counter showing a number usually less than 100, unless it is a “popular”,noob site, in which case their will be a number less than 1000. These habitats are fairly numerous but easy to avoid because only noobs link to them. So if you can identify a noob, don't go to anywhere it links to.

AVOIDING NOOBS

I. Make sure you aren't one
Note: This section is bilingual so even noobs can make the discovery if they haven't already.
English:
Read the above parts of this guide very carefully. If you find yourself unable to comprehend any of it but are instead beginning to think about how great and totally awesome you are, It would not hurt to stay off the Internet for a few years to let your noobancy quiet down. If you feel you are above this, I hope the banner hammer comes down hard.

Noobish: Liek, u gott4 re3D teh gudieCAREFUl1y and tehn OMG LIEK I AM R0XX0RZ ya anD ify 0u turn into teh reTARDED u gota go 2 MY WEBP4GE LOLLOLOL!!111~11 ad check 4 warez n stfuu. if u r a n00b go2HELL LOLLOLOlROFLMFAO11!!!11!!!! a/s/l pos gtg n00b suxx0rz ur b0xx0rz OLOOOLOLLLL HELP HELP HELP 1337133713371337

Like, you gotta read the guide carefully and then Oh My God I ROCK! and if you turn retarded then you have to go to my web site and check out my warez [pirated software, of with I have nothhing to do] and shut up. If you are a noob go to hell. you suck noob. Laughing Out Loud Help! *

II. Major noob avoiding strategies
The main factor in attracting migrating herds of noobs is a large, active forum or online chatroom. If you find one of these, look to see if it has strong management to avoid noob infestation. If not, look for a small or mid-sized forum that covers the same topic so you can enjoy your time there before the noobs find it. Though your questions are less likely to be answered on these forums, your life will be so much easier than if you have a noob colony on the forum. Remember: a weak forum admin on a popular forum is an excellent noob infestation catalyst.

*Primitive Translation: Please note that this may be incorrect and not fully encompassing how stupid it is.